3. Backround Noise

BPOV

Mommy brushes my hair until all the golden brown strands are placed in pigtails atop my head with pink bows that match the sundress she put me in today. Daddy says he's taking me to the fair. I've never been to a place called a 'fair' before, and I want Mommy to come too…but she won't. No matter how many times I ask if she'll come, the answer is always the same.
"No, sunshine, Mommy's not feeling well…you go have fun with Daddy."
"Let's go, pumpkin!" Daddy's voice bellows from downstairs.
I run as fast as my little legs will carry me, and when I finally make it down all the big steps, I'm greeted with Daddy's bright smile as he picks me up in his big, warm embrace.
"What a pretty-lookin pumpkin!" he proclaims.
I kiss his cheek. "Daddy, let's go!" my toddler voice squeaks.


*BEEP*…Bella…Bella, can *BEEP* you hear me?…Bella… *BEEP*


Daddy takes my hand as we walk onto the fairgrounds. It looks like it's right in the middle of town. They've blocked off Main Street and set a Ferris wheel right in front of Jones Drug Store. I can see it taking people high up in the air, then down again, round and round. It's noisy with music and screaming and laughing. It looks magical…this fairy wheel, with all it's blinking lights.


*BEEP*…Please, sweetheart…open your eyes…*BEEP*…Carlisle, what's wrong *BEEP* with her?…My Bella…*BEEP*


"Daddy, look!" I exclaim as I point to some pretty pink stuff I'd never seen before. "Fluffy pink clouds…" I murmur in amazement.
He chuckles. "Ahh, that, Belly Bean, is what you call cotton candy," he informs me in a light tone.
"Can we have some?" I squeak from my position on top his shoulders.
I'm so high when I'm up on my daddy's shoulders. He's big, and when Daddy holds me, I'm big too.
"We sure can, princess," he tells me as he dismounts my tiny body from his and places me on the ground.
We walk hand in hand to the cotton candy seller lady, and Daddy gets me my very own bag of it, while he gets one for himself. I must be turning into a big girl if he thinks I can have my own bag. The pink stuff is fluffy and sticky and makes me smile. It turns my lips and Daddy's tongue pink. We laugh at each other.


*BEEP*…Why won't she respond?…*BEEP*…Bella, dear…open your eyes *BEEP*…*growl* Carlisle, it's not fucking working! *BEEP*…Patience…*BEEP*


"Hey, look there, Bella!" Daddy says.
I turn my head in the direction of his pointing finger, but see nothing of interest. Just legs walking, bumping through the street. The whole town must be here.
"Can't see, Daddy! What? What? Is it sumthin pretty?" I chirp hopefully.
"Come on," he says. "Let's get closer. It's snakes, Belly. Want to see some snakes? They are beautiful creatures."
"Pretty?"
"Yes."
"Kay, let's go!" I agree, bouncing excitedly.
Daddy grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd. We stop at a wooden circle fence that someone has put up right in the middle of the road. Lots of people are pressed up close to the fence, looking at something. I peek through the holes and boost myself up onto my tippy toes so that I can see, too. I stare, fascinated, at the dark man with no shirt. He’s standing in the middle of the circle, and there are snakes winding in and out around him, like hair braiding and unbraiding. It’s hypnotizing. He holds a black snake that's just about as tall as him…it thrusts it's tongue out at him and they stare at each other. The snakes exploring the paved street inside of the fence have a smiling look about them, but they visibly throb with either excitement, or fear, as the man stands among them and the people continue to press themselves closer.


*BEEP*…It's been hours, Carlisle…*BEEP*…She's dehydrated, son…*BEEP*…Bella, baby, look at me…just *BEEP* open your eyes…please *BEEP*


It's hard to breathe. The air is thick and humid with the snake smells and all the sweaty grown ups. Most of the snakes are plain brown or black, but one is the color of Mommy's hair; brown and golden. I decide that I like that one. I miss Mommy…wish she would have come to this fair place with me. I notice that one has orange faces on it’s back like a scary jack-o-lantern on Halloween. He winds his body around a long brown snake and the two of them curl under and over each other, rolling in a special snake dance. The snakes' skin glistens in the bright sunlight. I see when a little green snake slithers quickly over a pile of bigger snakes. He comes over to me, right below me, where I am peeking through the fence, and looks up at me. He wants out, I can feel it. Where’s his Mommy? Probably stayed home, just like mine did…poor little green snake baby. We are friends now; we have shared a look and we miss our mommies.


*BEEP*…Thirty four hours…not uncommon…*BEEP*…I don't give a fuck about what's common! *BEEP*…Just bring her back…to me…*BEEP*…Bella, can you hear *BEEP* me?…


People talk louder now, moving in their places and watching the man in the ring. I look, too. The snake winds around the man's arms and across his neck. Like my new green friend, the black snake watches me, showing off his exotic white markings. Why doesn't the snake bite that man? I'll ask Daddy. He knows everything.


*BEEP*…Bag of fluids…IV…*BEEP*…Needs to eat something, son…*BEEP*…We will monitor it's progress…*BEEP*…I don't understand…What the fuck…*BEEP*…Why won't she just respond?…*BEEP*…Bella, I love you…*BEEP*


A hand pats me. Daddy? I turn around and look up to an unfamiliar face. The man smiles. He only has a few teeth and he smells bad…like my cousin's dirty diaper. I move over, around the fence, wanting my Daddy. My green friend follows, his slithers match my tiny footsteps. Where is Daddy? Standing taller on my tippy toes and hopping a bit, I search the faces along the fence for my Daddy's face. All of the eyes on the unfamiliar faces watch the snakes, and all of the mouths talk and laugh, making too much noise.


*BEEP*…I'm staying with her…That's *BEEP* fine…I have to work my rounds…*BEEP*…Complete my shift here at the hospital…*BEEP*…Be back in an hour…Check on *BEEP* her…She'll be alright, son…*BEEP*…You don't know that…Baby, please…Please *BEEP* open your eyes…


Rubbing. The man is close again. Behind me, rubbing my bottom. I want my Daddy. I don't like this smiling man. Again, I push my way around the fence. The snakes hiss and thrust their tongues at all the people. Now I smell the dirty-diaper man behind me. He has squatted down. His face is near my small shoulder, resting there. He is so close. And his hand is on me…rubbing me under my sundress, through my big girl panties. Mommy put me in panties today because I can use the potty all by myself now, like a big girl. But I suddenly miss my diaper. The man's finger is probing now…darting around like the snakes, around and around. I'm going to throw up.


*BEEP*…Bella, I love you…*BEEP*


There’s Daddy, across the ring.
"Daddy! Daddy!" I shout at the top of my lungs.
The man moves away. Daddy comes to me and takes my hand. He's with a friend from work. I recognize the man with the light skin, pinkish eyes, and white blonde hair. He’s really nice. His name is Casper, or at least he lets me call him that, and Daddy says that he's albino, but I know he's fibbing. Albinos are dinosaurs.
"Did you like the snakes, pumpkin?" Daddy asks.
I pout and look away from him. I am mad and sad at him. He disappeared and I was scared!
He squats down to look at my face…just like the dirty-diaper man did. "Belly, what's wrong?"
"Daddy, I don't feel good…ucky," I mumble, pouting.
"Too much cotton candy, huh?"
I don't respond, just stare down at the ground.
"It's alright princess, me n' Casper will take you home."
Casper scoops me up and puts me on his shoulders, escorting me to the parking lot where Daddy left his Police cruiser. After Casper buckles me into my car seat in the back, he reaches over and brushes his thumb across my cheek, wiping away a tear drop I didn't know had fallen.
"Cheer up, darlin. Did you at least have a good time?"
I numbly nod my head, not making eye contact.
He sighs and leans his white head to the side a bit. "Tell you what…when Timmy and I come over this weekend, I'll have him bring Candyland and we'll all play! How's that sound?" he asks with a small smile.
"Good…" I whisper.


*BEEP*…Any response?…None…*BEEP*…Bella, please…Please, open *BEEP* those beautiful eyes for me, love…*BEEP*


"Too much fair for Belly!" Daddy calls to Mommy as he carries me into the house and sets me down in the kitchen.
Mommy looks down at me and smiles. "Go lie down, sunshine. I'll be up in a minute," she says.
As I turn and make my way upstairs to my bedroom, I hear Mommy ask, "Was it the food?"
"Cotton candy," Daddy replies.
"She never knows when to stop eating that candy," Mommy comments.
I end up in my bathroom, instead of my bedroom, vomiting, and heaving, and crying. I don't want Mommy to hear, but I cry and vomit some more. Mommy comes into the bathroom, concern etched all over her features. She rubs my back until I'm done puking into the toilet, then takes off my clothes and runs me a warm bath. She gently rubs the soft cloth over my skin, and I am relieved when she finally washes away the man's touch from my private areas. She gently lathers my hair and rinses it, careful not to let the soapies get in my eyes. When she’s satisfied that I'm clean, she drains the tub and wraps me in a yellow fluffy towel, then lifts me up, cradling me to her chest. I lay my head on her shoulder. Her hair is falling out of her bun in soft, whispy curls. I want to play with them. Instead, I close my eyes. She sits down in the pink rocking chair in my bedroom and rocks and rocks and rocks. She hums my bedtime melody to me.


*BEEP*…Let me by, Edward…*BEEP*…Mine…*BEEP*…I need to see if she's responsive…*BEEP*…to the light yet…I'll do it…*BEEP*…Edward…*growl*…*BEEP*…Let me do my job…She's *BEEP* mine, I'll do it…Edward…*BEEP*…Mine…


"This is Paul," my Daddy says.
I stare up at the tall man with broad shoulders. He smiles down at me.
"Say hello, Isabella, don't just fucking stand there," he commands with a swat to my bottom.
"Hi," I timidly whisper.
His smile grows wider. "Oh, she's is a frightened little thing, isn't she?" he appraises me, looking at Daddy appreciatively.
Daddy nods. "Mm-hmm, I've trained her well. Isabella, come," he demonstrates.
I know better than to disobey a direct order, so I leave my space by the wall and walk over to Daddy. He's tall with short blonde hair. He's handsome, but mean. I don't like him. I love him.


*FLASH* Pupils looks good, son…It's just a matter *BEEP* of time…Give her time…I want *BEEP* her now…Goddamn it…*BEEP*


Daddy's holding a camera now…and we're in the dim basement. So that's what that flash was. I look to my right and see the man named Paul standing beside me. He is naked. I look down and notice that I am too.
"Smile for Daddy…"
Daddy's voice brings my attention back to the front and I stare up at him and his…camcorder. That's what I had learned to call it.
"A camcorder makes videos and a camera takes freeze frames, you stupid fuck," Daddy had said once.
Yes…this is a camcorder. It has a bright light and it's blinding me. I squint my eyes against it's invasive brightness.


*FLASH* Just stay here and watch her…*BEEP*…I'm not going anywhere…*FLASH* …Pupils are responding, which is good…*BEEP*…Her lid seems to want to close on it's own…*BEEP*…Shouldn't be too much longer…Bella, dear *BEEP* can you hear me?…Bella…Baby, I *BEEP* need you…Just open those beautiful eyes, love…*BEEP*


"You're such a sexy little girl…" Paul whispers in my ear.
He's kneeling down beside me now, so that we are the same height. He's still a little bit taller than me, though. I furrow my brow at him and turn to face Daddy. He said that he would give me away if I told, but I didn't tell - I promise! Why is this Paul man here? Is he going to give me to him?
"You better kiss him, Isabella. He wants a fucking kiss. Don't be rude to our guest," Daddy admonishes, ignoring my pleading look and focusing on his camcorder. He takes a puff of his cigarette. It smells funny.
I turn back to face Paul and purse my lips, pressing mine against his. His big hand lightly trails down my bare back and eventually lands on my bottom. I'm quiet and still as he starts to massage my small, round flesh. His breathing starts to get heavier.
"Get down on your knees and greet our guest properly," Daddy commands.
I swallow audibly and whimper as my bare knees hit the cold, hard cement.
"Yesss…" Paul hisses, putting his big hand behind my head and holding me in place. His hips start to move so that he is thrusting himself in and out of my small mouth.
"She's got a pretty little mouth, doesn't she?" Daddy’s lilting voice comments. "Fuckable."
"Ohhh god…yes," Paul moans.
"Let me get a close up of this shit," Daddy distractedly murmurs in the back round then, his camcorder making a weird clicking noise.


*BEEP*…Thirty seven hours now…Carlisle, isn't there something *BEEP* you can give her?…I've already given her one *BEEP* bag of fluids…She needs one more…Other *BEEP* than that, there's nothing…She has to wake *BEEP* on her own…That's bullshit!…I know it's hard, son…*BEEP*…You don't know anything…


"Pay me another fifty and I'll let you tie her to the bedpost," Daddy says.
We're in my bedroom now, with a man that I recognize as Earl. He lives down the street. My mother talks to him. He mows our lawn.
"What'll she do for a hundred?" Earl asks, his beady little eyes never leaving my wide ones.
I'm naked and standing in the middle of the room. My bottom burns and stings…it's red. Daddy let Earl spank me. But I don't know what I did wrong.
"Hmmm…" Daddy seems to contemplate this.
Earl steps forward and grabs my arm, turning me around so that he can admire my red, welted bottom. He rubs the tender skin and moans, but Daddy's voice cuts the gruff sound short. "You want to fuck her ass, but you can't…you can't afford it," Daddy states, getting angry.
Earl huffs, getting angry himself. "How. Much." he asks, landing another swat to my already sore bottom.
I cry out and the sound causes Daddy to shoot up out of his chair. He comes over to me and squats down, eye level with me now, and stares piercingly into my pained eyes.
"Do you want purity?" he whispers menacingly.
I can taste his cologne and breath on my tongue. I want him to hold me. That's what daddies do, right? Why won't he hold me?
I shake my head. "No…" I say through a quiet sob.
"Then shut the fuck up." He points to the purple canopy bed with unicorns on it. My bed. "Lay down on the bed and be still while Earl tastes you," he demands, his voice still a threatening whisper. "Your kike cunt needs training, Isabella. You will lay there quietly and you will like it, do you understand me?"
I nod and crawl up onto the bed, missing my mom, and wondering where she is…when she's going to be home. I turn around just in time to see Earl handing Daddy a wad of cash.
Daddy squints one ice blue eye and holds the camcorder eyepiece up to his other. "Isabella, spread your legs."
I squeeze my eyes shut and slowly spread them to the ominous sound of Earl's big boots clunking forward, coming closer to my bed.
Where's Mommy? I want my Mommy.


*BEEP*…Carlisle…*BEEP*…What…what's happening? *BEEP*…Bella, sweetheart, breathe…*BEEP*…Breathe, Bella…*BEEP* Goddamn it, Bella, breathe!…*BEEP*…*BEEP*…*BEEP*


My eyes shoot open, and almost immediately, the tight burning feeling in my chest begins to slowly dissipate as I start taking deep, even breaths.


What the… What… Where am I?


I furrow my brow and look around the room, groggy in my somewhat still sleepy, hazy state. I immediately notice the needle protruding out of my hand. I follow the cord attached to it with my eyes, and find that it's been hooked up to a bag full of IV fluids.


What the hell?


"Bella!" Edward's voice exclaimed out of nowhere.


I jump, slightly startled, and look towards the voice. He’s sitting in the lounge chair beside my bed. I look at the beautiful vampire before me, slightly dazed and confused. Just a second ago, I had been in the big house in my old bedroom…with Jim.


"Baby girl…" he coos, leaning forward to cup my face in his big, cold hands. "I missed you," he whispers, his forehead pressed lightly against mine.


"Wh…what happened?" I croak, my voice cracking and my throat dry.


He stares at me, concerned, while slowly loosening his grip on my face and backing his own away so that we can stare at each other properly. "Bella, what do you remember?"


His voice is somewhat distorted. My brain comprehends what he said a second later, and I close my eyes, trying to block out the random flashbacks that had been playing through my mind relentlessly. I realize now that that is what they were. They were flashbacks.


I concentrate really hard and try to remember the last substantial thing that I had been aware of. "Um, my dad…" I started. "Uh, Charlie. He was in our room, accusing me of murdering a man in an alleyway. But I didn't. Marie did," I stated quietly.


He slowly nods. "Bella, that was Thursday. Today is Sunday," he informs me, his tone gentle, yet somewhat apprehensive.


I subtly nod. "Okay…"


Staring at him, I realize that I am really tired. I want to sleep some more. I close my eyes, loving the sound of that, but they pop right back open to the loud creaking sound of a door being opened. I turn my head and see Carlisle walking into the room. The hospital room.


Wait, I'm in a hospital?


I groan, irritated all of a sudden.


Great.


"Bella, you're awake," he proclaims with a warm smile, stating the obvious.


No shit.


"Yeah…" I whisper, then clear my throat.


"Here, love," Edward says in offering, holding a cup of ice water out to me.


I take it from him. "Thanks," I whisper back and greedily suck down the cold clear liquid.


"She's drinking…that's a good thing," Carlisle comments, clearly talking to the vampire by my side.


Edward sighs softly in relief, his eyes never leaving my face. "I know," he responds with a small smile.


Their voices soon become dull murmuring noises in the back round and I turn on my side, trying my best to ignore them. I stare at the plain white wall, feeling somewhat nauseated. They say that I need to eat, but I don’t want to.


I don’t want to think. I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to be aware. I don’t want to hear anymore about how I woke up late on Friday morning in a comatose and incoherent state. How I was fine earlier that day; in fact, I had played remote control cars and built Legos with Edward for two whole hours…or, Joey did, for that matter, and I had eventually fallen back asleep, but had never really woken up until just now.


I can hear Joey in my head. His voice is just a whisper, but it’s there and it’s familiar and I can hear it. I allow myself a small smile. I’d rather listen to him than this crap any day.


Carlisle says that they brought me here, to the hospital, to monitor my vital signs and give me a bag of IV fluids to prevent dehydration. And, okay…I get that I may have needed the fluids, but my vital signs? Come on…they are vampires. They can monitor that shit in no time, with no trouble at all, just by listening to me with their super freaky vampire hearing. Edward has always been dead on with my heartbeat, breathing levels, and blood pressure.


So what the fuck’s the deal?


I want to go home. I don’t want to be here. I am mad at Carlisle. I don’t even want to look at him and his stupid, perfect, holier-than-thou face. He showed my father Isabella’s drawings and her writing papers. He left me. He allowed his stupid fucking coven to leave me, too. He says that he’s the Sire of it all, but I don’t believe that shit. They are all liars, and if he really was ‘in charge’, like he says he is, then he would’ve put his vampire Sire fucking foot down, and he never would’ve allowed his coven to abandon the involved human girl overnight, thus leaving her unprotected. He says that he had no control over it. I say that he’s full of shit.


I run my fingers through my hair as I feel Edward’s cold hard body scoot into the bed behind me. He wants to cuddle. Or spoon. Or whatever. He wraps his arm around my thin waist…molding my warm body tightly to his own. My head is laying just below his chin…my ass is pressed up against his lower abdomen, and my feet tangle in between his legs, resting lightly on his shins. He tells me how beautiful I am. That he loves me. I can’t bring myself to respond. I want to vomit. I feel nauseous and I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be aware of anything. I want to go back to my dark safe place…no one can hurt me there. I need Marie. I need Isabella. They will take over…they will live this life for me so that I don’t have to.


Edward repeats that he loves me…says that I’m his life, his forever, his everything. He loves my other selves as well. I smile sardonically. He can love them and live with them, then, because I don’t want to be around anymore.


The only thing that is here in this world for me is pain…the pain of my past and the pain of my present. I don’t want to constantly worry about whether or not Edward is really going to stay, or if he’ll really change me in the end. Marie can worry about that. She’s the best at handling stressful situations that make her feel insecure. Isabella can give Edward what he needs, too…things that I can’t. I don’t want a daddy. I hate them. And right now, that’s what Edward wants to be for me…a daddy. He wants to feed me, dress me, bathe me, and spank me. Isabella can full fill that need for him. I don’t want to.


Edward takes my hand away from my hair and kisses it, then replaces my fingers with his own. His cool fingertips feel nice against my overheated skin. He points out the fact that I got a new haircut…or, that Marie did, anyway. He tells me that I’m beautiful again…and that he misses me. He whispers in my ear about Joey and a brand new two year old baby.


I am not sane. I have children living inside my head! I want to throw up. I think about the snakes that day at the fair…how my father had lied when I last saw him. I hadn’t gone missing at the carnival when I was two - he had gone off to talk with one of his buddies from work, and my mother wasn’t even there. He left me alone at that snake show. I hate him. I hate Jim. I hate my mother. I hate Carlisle. I hate Rosalie. I hate Alice. I hate Jasper. I hate Emmett. I hate Jacob. I hate Esme. I hate Edward. I love Edward. I need Edward. Edward left me…but he says that he loves me. Says that he left because he loves me.


Carlisle goes on to explain that my mind had shut down to the point to where I was nearly comatose, incoherent, and unresponsive. He says that the fact that my mind produced two alternates in the matter of three hours must have caused my mind to clam up, somehow…in a way, it needed time to process everything, I guess….make room for two more in there, so to speak.


Whatever. I don’t care. If they are there, then they are there for a reason. They came to help me escape this cruel world and aid me in my quest of not dealing with this horror that is my life.


So, welcome, friends. The more, the merrier, I say.


There’s a rush of murmured voices inside my head and I try to ignore both them and Edward at the same time. I want my ears to suddenly stop working so that I don’t have to hear anything anymore…just like when I’m in my dark safe place. I want to go back there. Right now. But Edward insists that I need to try and stay awake for him…he sees that my eyelids are drooping.


I sigh, not wanting to disappoint him, but not wanting to look at him either. I choose to fix my gaze on the wall instead, and soon, I learn from his hushed, soft words that I have a kitten now. She’s fluffy and white, with light blue eyes, and Isabella and the one named Hadassah, are calling her Tinker Bell. Apparently, Edward has named the new one Hadassah, after my grandmother that has passed away. I’m not too sure how I feel about that.


Carlisle has left the room for now. Fucking good riddance. I don’t want him around. I don’t want anyone around. I am angry. And I am sad. But most of all, I am tired. Bone-tired. Dead-tired. I’m fucking exhausted. I want nothing more than to return to my blissful state of not existing. There’s no pain…no flashbacks…no abandoning, overbearing vampires there, in my safe place.


Isabella…Marie…or, whoever…


Yah-huh?


What’s up, doll?


Do it… I mentally whisper to them.


Which one? Marie asks.


I close my eyes, effectively cutting off my view of the boring white wall with the torn flower wallpaper.


I don’t care.


I want my Edward, and I’ma get to go see him now, huh Bella?


Yeah… I encourage her. Come out and see him. He’s yours.


Yah-huh, he’s mine she agrees.


“…so worried, Bella. But after your IV is done, I’m taking you home, love. I promise. I never wanted to bring you here baby, but you weren’t responding to anything at all, and you wouldn’t even eat or drink-”


“Edward…” I rasp, cutting him off with a soft, tired sigh.


He hugs me to him and lightly kisses the sensitive skin behind my earlobe. I can feel goosebumps rise on my neck and cheek because of it.


But I don‘t want to feel.


“Yes, love?”


“I want to die.”